I am addicted to coffee and I don't want to stop it. I think the steady stream of caffeine is increasing my stress and paranoia exponentially, though, so I should stop if I decide I want to become healthy again. I can understand, however, why anyone with a fucked up life would turn to an addictive drug. Not for the buzz. It's the illusion of control. When you don't have control over any of the other shit that is hurting you, you create this new problem, and this one you can control. It's not actual control, of course; you become addicted. But you have created in yourself a need that you can fulfill, when you can't fulfill any others. When you feel the pain of not having the drug, you, finally, have the control to make the pain stop.
Coffee is great for this, just the right balance between addictive drug and completely mundane beverage. A quite acceptable vice. I am able to play house with coffee, create the illusion of simplicity in the middle of the shit show by performing the ritual of measuring the grounds and the water, turning on the pot, listening to the classic steady drip as it brews; pour a cup, and warm my hands on it in the morning breeze on the back porch. Shit feels damn under control in that moment.
